Day 7: She-Hulk?

The tale of a recovering angry girl.

For a long time, I have struggled with anger. This may be shocking to some people, because I think I typically come off as a joyful, always happy person. But it’s true. I struggle with anger a great deal. I did not come into the realisation of this until this year. I used to think that I was getting angry like a normal person; like my anger was normal. But walking with The Lord and being with a calm-spirited partner opened my eyes to see that anger was a real problem for me. I think it is one of the reasons why I did not let people in too close for a while. Because me when I am angry? Completely unrecognizable. And I did not want to have anybody experience that. You know how the Bible tells us to be slow to anger? I am the opposite. I am QUICK! to anger. I think I should start talking about this in past tense, because I have gotten better really and I am still getting better. The Lord is removing from me the things that do not reflect Him. And sincerely, it is an answered prayer. I actually did not realise until just now while typing this. One prayer that I include many times when I speak to God is “Lord, cleanse me of every unrighteousness. Anything that does not look like You that exists in my life, remove it from me! I uproot it in the name of Jesus!” And slowly but surely, The Lord is answering that prayer. Really, it is an effect of walking with The Lord. The proof of truly following Jesus is transformation. No matter how slow. Transformation. Honestly, what I used to experience was rage, not anger. It was really bad. It was so bad that my boyfriend used to call me she-hulk. Guys I-

It is well. (LOLLLLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLL)

The first step to healing is the knowledge of the sickness. If you are not aware that you are sick from Malaria, you will not know to treat yourself of Malaria. I did not start experiencing liberation in the matter of anger until I came into the knowledge that anger was a problem for me. I thank God for my liberation so far, and I look forward to reaching a point where offense is far from me. I actually frequently pray to God for that. “Lord, please take the spirit of offense away from me. I do not want to be easily offended, I do not want to get offended at all ever. Please take the spirit of offense far away from me.”

Being on this journey of liberation from anger has taught me things that I had no knowledge of before. I want to share them with you. I pray that if you relate to this struggle, you will learn one or two things from this piece. Let’s switch back to present tense.

• I realized that my anger often comes from a place of feeling attacked and rejected. I react with anger as a way to shield myself because as I have been triggered, I feel unsafe and unwanted. It is still tied to my experiences as a child and while growing up. I have had to learn that I cannot base how I feel about myself on the reactions or behaviours of people towards me. If you talk to me in a way that upsets me, it does not mean that I am a bad person. If you talk to me in a way that seems mean to me because I made a mistake, it does not mean that I am a bad person. That is how you chose to pass across your message and it is on you, not me. I made a mistake because I am human. I did a ‘bad’ thing not because I am a bad person but because I am a human being. And so long as I am willing to acknowledge that I was wrong and learn from my mistake as well as strive not to repeat it, I am good to go. If you respond to my mistake with anger, it is my responsibility to apologize. If you are still angry angry after that, I do not have to feel like a hated and rejected individual. I should rest in the fact that I am loved by Jesus and the people that He has put in my life. Does this paint a clear picture for you? I really hope that it does and that you understand what I just shared.

• I realized that in my moments of anger, I react when what I should really do is respond. When I react, I come in defence mode. I fight without first processing the information or situation adequately. That causes my anger to blow up and become something that I regard as scary. But responding involves processing the situation first, meditating on it first before saying something. Anger is a natural human feeling. But that moment of meditating before giving feedback allows your anger cool off and lets you give your spirit control instead of your flesh, thereby causing you to give a gentle and Christ-like feedback. So, something that I practice now is taking a moment to think and cool off before responding in moments when I am triggered. I have seen the results, it really helps.

• I realized that I get triggered by so many things. Like I mentioned earlier, I am quick to anger. Any little thing has the potential of triggering me. It was my boyfriend that pointed this out to me actually. I have had to learn that I do not have to take everything so seriously. I should learn to ignore.

• I realized that the spirit of anger is tied to the spirit of pride. Pride comes in many forms, and until the Holy Spirit himself exposes you to you, you will be oblivious to the fact that you in fact are not a humble person. You will be oblivious to the fact that you in fact reek of pride. I see pride as a serpent that can sneak into a place unnoticed and stay camouflaged. If you do not walk with the Holy Spirit, you will not be able to identify pride in your life. Anger is an offspring of pride. If you can successfully address pride, you will successfully address anger.

There is so much more to be said on this issue. The topic of anger is one that I believe should really be spoken about a great deal in our world today. The spirit of offense is a thief of joy and fulfilment of purpose. It is a thief of everything beautiful that The Lord blesses us with. If you know that you want to live a rich life in Christ, you have to address the problem of anger in your life. Not just in the physical but in the spiritual. God will help you if you surrender the situation to Him. I am experiencing His help now and I pray that you do too.

Talk to you tomorrow.

With warmth & joy,

Jayne Eddy.